Mission: Get laid by Sunday
Strategy: PDX M4M Craigslist Ad (posted 14 June 2005)
[You see, I am systematic and I plan ahead!]
I am not self-delusional and therefore, I have pretty much given up on love and dating. But a guy has his needs! And so, I posted an Ad for an NSA hook-up on Portland M4M Craigslist.
Well, what do I get in response?
(1)- fifty year old men willing to shell out 100 dollars for allowing them to blow me
[Thanks, but in case I start a prostitution business to supplement my
income, I will know the going rates]
(2)- fifty year old men who want to be my "daddy" and "spank my naughty ass"
[Thanks, but I am not here to fulfill your freakish, incest-fantasy asshole]
(3)- a 25 year old dude who sends me a picture of him staring at the mirror in all his early-morning glory (read: ugliness) with a toothbrush in his foaming mouth
[Will somebody teach these 20-somethings some manners? If thats the
picture you are sending me, do really think I will ever put my dick in that
mouth of yours]
(4)- a few more 20-somethings, who call themselves GL (note: Not VGL, only GL; translation: fugly)
[Thanks, if you are gay and if thats your fugly-face in that picture, then you might as well be invisible. Thats Rule no. 1 of being gay in contemporary America. I know its harsh but nobody said it was easy being a fag. I have already gotten used to it and I suggest you do the same]
(5)- a 21 year old dude who does not drive, cannot host and calls himself 'discreet' (read: closeted, living with family and most likely under 21)
[Thanks dude but I have no intention of fucking a minor and getting arrested]
(6)- a supposedly 'bi-sexual' (read: married) 30-something guy who calls himself a "pure-top" (read: expect no reciprocatory BJ and probably no kissing either) and was clearly holding his breath (reeeeally) tight while taking that picture of his naked torso
[Thanks for the picture and nice try, but I can see the flab]
(7)- a whole bunch of guys in their mid-30s and mid-40s who have only a few years left before they reach the desperate life-stages of type-(1) and type-(2) guys
[Thanks for your pictures but get rid of the flab first and then we can talk. Oh Yes, I am shallow and Yes, I know I will there where you are today in a few years. But until then fuck you all]
(8)- a 20-something "creative radical type" (Note: Portland is just full of these) who looks like that dude from Interpol, exchanges a few emails for meeting up and then just sits silent until sunday 9 PM when he shoots me a message saying: "Dude, WTF, I am horny, Wanna have some fun? Howz 11?"
[Sorry dude, you were my best bet; what with getting my hopes high with all those emails until Friday when you just fell silent as if you had suddenly ceased to exist; Sunday 11 is just too bad because I have an 8-5 job and I have a LIFE; Moreover, I just jerked myself off and I am done. So Thanks and Fuck off]
So here I am, more than a month old in this town, all sex-deprived and sorrounded by a bunch of Bobos.
As if life wasn't already painful, even NSA sex is so tricky these days.